By Suzanne Hubbard, a Finalist of NewsPortalSite’s Writing Contest
As
the friendship ended it felt like we had been in a knife fight. There
were no winners and our scars were obvious. Some had opinions, but only
Laura and I know, just like anyone in a true bond, what actually
happened.
The
emotional wounds ran deep from our anger, frustration, jealousy and
differences. It’s irritating to me when I think about it. Years have
passed and on occasion I still feel abandoned. These are the deep rooted
feelings I rarely admit. Although today I appreciate that to heal
further, I must honor these emotions.
When
I think about my past friendship with Laura my body becomes very still.
An extremely slow movement spreads within me. An old wound is reopened.
Tears well up and I notice a lump in my throat. I am very conflicted. I
didn’t want to care anymore. I wanted to become neutral. I am thankful
more has been revealed.
I
recognize the spiritual contract between us was powerful. There were
lessons I agreed to learn with her before entering earth. The contract
is now fulfilled. No victim or villain. We were two young women trying
to find our way. I am not certain what my contract to her is. Only she
can answer that.
We
met in grade school and later became inseparable. I spent my
adolescence and early twenties in her parents home. Her mom felt like a
second mother. Five years ago letters were exchanged between Laura and
me. Prior to that, there had been no communication between us. When my
first daughter was born I visited Laura’s mother. Her mom had left a
message with my mother- in- law for me to come over. Laura didn’t like
this. Again, she pulled away. Basically, because I contacted her family,
she would not be my friend. This attitude was difficult to accept. She
was once a treasured friend that I spent morning, noon and night with.
We had taken vacations, shared holidays and grew up together. She was
more like a sister than a friend.
Our
contract is explained in that I must learn the wisdom and trials of
“acceptance and approval.” I had to learn these things for myself first.
This was a long journey. I will never receive her approval, it is not
allowed. If I continue to seek a friendship there will always be
conditions. I learned that the total rejection by Laura is the blessing
in disguise. Her rejection gave me the space I required for personal
growth. I became more secure and self confident, regardless of how she
felt about me. Fortunately, I learned this lesson.
I
remember being in our early twenties and having this urgency to discuss
every decision with her. My initial response was, “What would Laura
think of this?” I was dependent on her approval. When I took my
lifestyle in self- destructive mode, her lack of approval was too great
for me to handle.
As
I became healthier, she was the first person I contacted. Again, I was
seeking approval. I had not fully learned the lesson. Even as I was
stronger in my recovery, I continued to give her more influence than I
should have. Her disapproval was painful, I wanted that to change. I had
hoped she may want to mend our friendship. I set myself up for
disappointment.
I
discovered that a lot of women have had a dear friendships end. Always
nearby is pain, confusion and a sense of loss that is expressed. We have
all heard that people come into our lives for a reason. So I asked
myself, is this true and what is the reason?
Recently,
I connected with Jennifer, an acquaintance from high school. We
continued to see each other at the various places. During a day of
sharing our lives, Jennifer expressed she was in an odd place
emotionally. A past best friend of hers was in town. They had not seen
each other in many years. A cloud of uncertainty was around them.
Jennifer was anxious about seeing her friend. Sadly her friend had
fallen into destructive cycles after a family member’s death. She was
unsure if she would show.
I
told Jennifer of the letter I had written to Laura after I had my first
daughter. Inside the letter I put a picture of my baby and shared with
Laura my heart and mind. I apologized for things I did during my
destructive behavior phase. I told Laura that I knew I would never gain
her approval, and that we had a spiritual contract. With time and
maturity since ending our friendship, I had gained the respect and
approval of me. Laura did write back, however there was still a tone to
her letter that bothered me. It was when I went to see her mom with my
new baby that Laura became angry, ending all contact. I was not allowed
to contact her family again, per her terms. She missed her hypocrisy of
continuing to reach out in friendship to my twin sister. It disgusted
me.
I
can now say that I have little regret in caring for or missing her
occasionally. However, the explosion of Facebook brought up some old
feelings. I see her picture, comments and such on mutual friends pages. I
have lost respect for her and trust. I recognize there are two sides to
this, then the truth, and the contract.
Jennifer
called regarding our visit. She thanked me for sharing my story. It had
moved her. She told me the details of her friends visit. Peace and
closure have begun to their relationship.
What
I have come to learn about lost relationships is we should look at the
spiritual lesson. Is it difficult to let something go? Seek to
understand the contract. It may make the process easier. Perhaps you
will find closure. When the lesson is learned, freedom is lovely, growth
is obvious and hearts can heal. Mine has, most gratefully.
About the Author
Suzanne
lives in Michigan with her husband Paul and their two young daughters,
Emma and Nadene. She has a Bachelor Degree in Marketing and Business
Management from University of Phoenix. She also graduated from Specs
Howard School of Media Arts. In addition, she worked part time as a
massage therapist for ten years and is a Reiki Master. Her passions are
writing and reading. Her family is very supportive and encouraging of
her ongoing development in writing.
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